Dead. ALL DEAD!

Yesterday I watched sixty some-odd walruses die en masse. I'd never seen anything like that before. Actually I sorta have, with lemmings. But this was way sadder. First, I'd never seen anything like 500+ walruses in one spot before. On this island, where they all congregated to sun bathe. They were blobbing all over one another, clamoring for a spot. Barking and shaking their ridiculous teeth. There were so many of them that soon a few bulls had blobbed over a ridge high above the beach, and onto this plateau. And a shitload more of the blob cows -herd animals that they are- followed the males, where they all then realized- shit we're really high up on this mountain, we're sea creatures not mountain climbers! We need to get back down!

Never fear! barked the blobbiest and toothiest of the herd, I led you to the top of this mountain and I will lead you back to the good sea!

So, he shimmied over to the edge of the cliff and peered over. He tried to compute the degree of declination, scanned the crags below for the best flipperholds, thought to himself, This is extremely steep, perhaps to steep for something as blobby and cumbersome as myself or my fellow walruses to descend safely.

And then he kind of jumped. As much as a walrus could jump, he kind of scooched over the edge, and all of his 2000 pounds smashed into rocks -which knocked his huge blubbery hulk this way and that like a pinball- all the way down. Down to the flat hard ground below.

And then, herd animals that they are, they followed the leader.

One after another after another. Huge fat walruses coming over the edge one after another after another, smashing on top of the other stupid walruses below.

I saw something else on the National Geographic Channel a while back, where a bridge went out in Arkansas or somewhere and cars kept careening into the river because they didn't know the road was out. It was car after car after car.

Only here it was walrus after walrus after walrus. It was like the end of Tremors, where the big blobby graboid flies straight through a cliff face and explodes on the canyon floor below.

Only here it was walruses, breaking their bones and bursting their organs. It was kind of like, as I said before, the little lemmings who go out in search of new homes by the thousand and end up walking off a cliff into the ocean and drowning.

Only this was much sadder. These weren't little muskrat creatures. They were walruses. And they weren't splashing into the ocean (which they would have loved). They were humongous furry waterballoons popping on the rocks below.

60+ walruses died from internal organ damage. God bless you National Geographic.

For always keeping it graphic.